He did it last week in a counseling session.  With my husband.  So very hurtful and not pretty. 

He told me the “nice” things I do for him are icing on a cake.  Without the cake. 

He said our marriage was complacent. 

So, what is the cake?  Me being skinny.  Only a miracle from God will do that one.

But.  While I wait for that miracle, there are other things God needs to make known to me in a more real way.

So.  I’m off on a search to understand how men view respect.  It’s a foreign language for most women, but one I need to learn.  Then, I need to pray more over him and fret less.   I need to forgive more and not be so quick to take offense.  I need to believe my husband actually loves me in spite of his very odd ways of showing it.

More later.

Why do I think it is prophetic?  One, because it feels that way.  Two, because I have been angry at God over my son and have refused to pray about the situation.  I’ve been throwing a temper fit because it seems any time I pray about my son the answer is always “no”.  So why bother to pray at all?

I believe my dream is God speaking to me and telling me to pray.  I believe God is telling me that when I pray demons will be routed, friends healed and His will accomplished.

So, ok.  I’ll start praying again.  Wow.  Totallyweird yet totally cool.  Just my take on it.

So, I had the epiphany that it’s ok to use surgery to lose weight if that is what it takes.  In a perfect world, I would be able to eat anything and not have blood sugar issues.  In a perfect world I would never overeat.  In a perfect world, weight loss surgery would never be an option. 

I don’t live in  perfect world.

So, I am working towards having Lap Band surgery sometime in March.

In  a perfect world I would not have depression or anxiety.  In a perfect world, I would not need medication to help me deal with life.   In a perfect world, all of the chemicals and hormones in my body would be in the perfect amounts and would always work perfectly.

I do not live in a perfect world.

Therefore, I am currently taking build-up doses of two SSRI drugs to help me deal with depression and anxiety.  It may even help with my eating disorder.

I am happy that God has made provision for having to live in a less-than-perfect world. 

As a Christian, I have been promised everything I need.  Not everything I want, but everything I need.  Unfortunately, my ideas of what I need and how much I need of it are not necessarily the same as God’s.  This is a problem.  A very big problem.  Not trusting God and his provision got the Israelites in trouble and caused that forty years of wandering in the wilderness stuff.  Really not wanting to go there.  But yet, I have been wandering in the wilderness.  A wilderness of my own making.

I’m no therapist or psychiatrist or even theologian so what I’m about the talk about is solely and completely my own measly opinion.

I have had many things ripped away from me.  I have had to deal with situations I was completely not capable of dealing with well.  I cling to what I consider “safe” because of this.  I do everything in my power to avoid “pain” because of the pain I have endured in the past.  I will do anything, use anything to make the pain go away. 

I am not a drug addict by God’s grace, but I have sensed the ability within  myself to become one.  I  have been a smoker and by God’s grace have been smoke-free for two years.  I still have momentary cravings during times of stress.  I  have, and still do, use food as my drug of choice.  It dulls the pain.

So, much of the pain I have endured in the past has been caused by the actions of others.  Some of it I have been told I brought on myself.  Maybe.  I’ve come to realize that part of my healing needs to be forgiveness.  I  need to really, truly, totally forgive the people who have hurt me and ripped things out of my life.  I really, truly need to release them and myself from that pain.  In many cases, the people who have caused this pain are dead or otherwise lost to me.  Holding on to my anger, rage, pain, humiliation, bewilderment etc is only holding me back.

I feel like my spirit is figuratively curled up in a fetal position protecting it’s vulnerable organs.    God has offered me peace and grace and mercy and freedom.  He has offered me abundance.

I’m tired of living my life from a position of lack.  I want to live from a position of abundance.  I want to live my life to reflect the reality of God taking care of me and mine.  I want to buy only the makeup that I need.  Do I really need three kinds of foundation, seventy five eyeshadows, fifteen shades of blush, forty lipsticks?  Do I really need over thirty six pairs of shoes?  Do I really need more cans of food than I can fit in mycabinets?  Do I really need all the books that won’t fit on my shelves? Will all the makeup manufacturers suddenly go out of business the moment I realize I actually need to replace an item of makeup because it’s used up?  Will every shoe manufacturer run out of leather, plastic and wood the instant I wear out a pair of clogs?  Will all on line and brick-and-morter bookstores lose all their books tomorrow?  Will every library in every county around me suddenly burn down at the same time? Will every grocery store in every county around me all run out of green beans at the same time?

I realize it’s not a bad idea to have a backup for some things.  I do live in snow country.  We have had blizzards that shut down the city for a couple of days, but that was it…a couple of days.  If I run out of green beans it won’t kill me to do without a canned vegie for a day. 

I  understand garbage happens in  life and you need to be prepared to weather a job loss or prolonged illness.  But, isn’t this where God’s provision comes in?  Isn’t it being a better steward of what God has given me to keep only a reasonable amount of “stuff”. 

I hoard “things” because it keeps the pain away knowing I have them. “You” can’t hurt me. See?  I have food, clothes, books, shoes, makeup.  So much that it will take a long time before “you” can hurt me.  But, there never seems to be a stopping point.  When will the amount of “protection” from hurt and pain be enough to protect me?  Answer – Never.  That’s because God is the only one who can “protect” me from the pain of life.  His protection is not always clear to me so sometimes it feels like He is hurting me and causing the pain.  My head knows that’s not true, but my wounded scared little heart can’t hear that truth.

So, now I’m done.  I’m tired of living in a position of lack.  I’m tired of God holding out so much to me that I have refused to take.  I’m tired of not facing up to the things in my past and present that need to be forgiven and released.  I’m tired of holding on to so much that only adds to my pain and sense of lack. It’s time to change my position.  It’s time to live from the position of abundance God has given me.

So, what’s your position?

Some people say that music can’t teach you what a good sermon can teach.  Some people say that music, “worship” music shouldn’t have so much importance in a worship service.

I totally disagree.

A song can reach me far faster than any sermon ever.  The greatest preachers in the world fall short with me when a short three minute song is available.  The very same truths a preacher can spend 45 minutes expounding on will leave me cold until it’s put to music.  You can tell me for hours how great God is and how majestic and wonderful and I will agree with you.  But, start singing Chris Tomlin’s How Great Is Our God and I will be in tears over the reality of it. Tell me that God has me in the palm of His hand and He is watching over me and, depending on the day and the circumstance, I will agree with you.  Or tell you it’s not possible.  But let me hear Matthew West on the radio telling me “He Is” and my heart will thaw and wounds will begin to heal.  Skillet telling me it’s the Last Night I’ll spend alone and I will believe it long before a preacher’s sermon telling me the exact same thing.

This past week I have refused to turn on my mp3 player at work.  I’ve refused to seek out the comfort of Skillet, Chris Tomlin, Brandon Heath, Jars of Clay, Mercy Me.  I needed them.  Seriously.  But I just couldn’t handle it.  I preferred to wallow in my misery than seek the comfort of the music.  Why?  The only thing I can come up with is Satan found a new tactic to keep me away from God.  No more.

It is my sincerest prayer that the next time I face a crisis I will run for my mp3 player, my cd’s, my computer, the radio…whatever….and crank it up!  The words may have been penned by very fallible mortal people, but God uses their words to speak to my heart.  He uses the words and the music to comfort me, encourage me, engage me. 

I learned my lesson. 

No matter what the crises, I need to let God speak to me in the song so I will hear Him.

It hit me though that all I’ve been doing is whining and complaining.  In praying for the situation I neglected praise.  This morning I tackled that.  But first I had to figure out if I even had anything to praise.  This is an incredibly tense and difficult situation and there is very little good to be seen in it.  And that was my problem.  I kept trying to see the good in the situation, but right now God is not letting me see it.  That’s not what I needed to be praising anyway.

Praise is not just thanking God for the good things He’s given you or is giving you.  It’s not just about thanking Him when He answers your prayers with a “yes”.  It’s about praising Him.  Not what He does or doesn’t do for  you. 

That was quite the profound thought for me in this trial.  I needed to stop so much with the whining and focus for a minute on who I was whining to.  I’m whining to the God of the Universe who spoke all things into being.  This is the God who gave up His only son to make sure I could spend all eternity in Heaven when this short crappy life is over.  I win!  I had to remember that this is just practice for later and it is nowhere near what things will be like later.  God has gifted myself and my husband with good jobs that we (mostly) enjoy.  We have many friends and family. We have a fantastic church  home.

When we are in the midst of trials and struggles these things seem to slip from our minds and in truth can sometimes even lose their importance in our eyes.  It’s at these times that praise really is a sacrifce.  But it is a sacrifice well worth the price.

According to the bible there is nothing new under the sun.  Too bad it’s true.  Or maybe it’s actually a good thing.  If there is nothing new under the sun, then I would bet money there is something in the bible about it.  That seems to hold true for infidelity.  Not only does the bible talk about the consequences for the one who is unfaithful, but it actually talks about how the wounded party should behave as well. 

I am only able to speak from a woman’s viewpoint of this, but the same areas of the bible that speak to me also contain wisdom for the men who are wounded by this.

If you are the wounded party in infidelity, you have every right to have righteous anger boiling up inside you.  You have every right to turn over tables and throw things around and yell.  HOWEVER.  You do not have the right to sin in your anger.  You do not have the right to let the sun go down on your anger.  I told a friend who’s right smack in the middle of this that she had until two days before her husband returned home from a business trip to vent.  That’s it.  After that she must move on to the next phase.  Well, the next phase is incorporated into the first, but no venting is allowed in the second phase.

The bible tells wives that they must honor and respect their husbands.  End of story.  Done.  No where does it say wives only have to do this if their husbands are behaving properly and there is nothing broken in their marriage.  Wives are to continue to give their husbands respect and the honor due them as the husband and head of the household.

The bible tells everyone that we should pray for Christians who fall away.  We are to pray for their restoration to God, to the Church, and to their families.  Wives get to pray fervently for this.

The bible doesn’t give wives the right to punish our husbands.  We don’t have the luxury of standing in judgement of them.  No matter how much we feel justified in doing so.  Jesus died for THIS sin too.  No holier-than-thou attitudes.

The bible tells all of us to think on the good things, the things worthy of praise.  Even an unfaithful husband has good and praiseworthy things about him.  Wives should concentrate on those things, not the ugly bitter things that Satan will throw up to her.

These simple sounding guidelines are in fact some of the hardest things to do in life ever.  They require great courage and the conviction that your marriage is worth saving.  It is a process that takes a great deal of time and commitment.  They are also major steps in allowing healing to flow through your very wounded heart.  Christian behavior is not required only when we feel like it.  I believe that is for a reason.  God really does know what we need for healing and repentance and growth.  Try it His way first.  You can always go back to yours.

It spoke of God caring more for your character than your comfort; more for your holiness than your happiness.

That really hit me.  Too many times, especially in American churches, we have the idea that God is our butler.  That’s how my son puts it.  We think once we accept Christ that life will be lovely and easy.  How wrong we are.  Even if we don’t buy into the easy life of christianity, some of  us still get sucked into the idea that God will work all things out for our comfort and happiness and wealth.  Again, how wrong of us.

Yes, God loves his chldren and will give us good gifts.  No, that is not what this life is all about.  This life is heaven practice.  What we do with our salvation and our lives here will effect eternity.  On so many different levels.  So our goals should be less about seeking our comfort in a crappy, fallen world and more about fixing our crappy, broken characters.  We should be more concerned about living lives holy and glorifying to God and less concerned about whether we and our family are happy.

Happiness and comfort are fleeting.  Character and holiness define our whole lives; the having of it or the lack of it. 

This is a scary concept to me.  I neeeeed my comfort.  Not necessarily a big house, brand new car, lots of money in the bank and a 401k that triples every year.  Although all of those things would be really cool.  No, I mean I need the comfort of enough money to pay the bills, buy food, put gas in the cars and do some of the things we want to do.

Happiness I already know is fleeting, but holiness?  I have way too many self worth issues to handle working toward holiness.  Holiness to me is a foreign concept.  I don’t really get it. 

It makes sense to me, and the Bible bears it out, that God is not concerned so much with how happy and content we are.  We tend to turn away from God during those times anyway.  He won’t with hold happiness and comfort from us, but He will also use any and all means to get our attention and get us back on the track where He wants us.  Being happy and content and comfortable are just a whispy shadowy glimpse of what heaven will be like.  Let’s make sure we are all ready for it when we get there.